I’m currently obscenely tired. So tired, in fact, that my brain has given up on allowing me to engage in almost any activity, including reading, writing (so sorry about this) and even playing games. Looking at your currently installed games list and mentally crossing them off one by one until none are left is a strange feeling for such an avid gamer like me. You know you want to play something, anything, but everything has a fatal flaw or two that you can’t see when you’re wide awake. So here’s my current list and my first thoughts about them. I hope it reveals something perverse about me to myself after I get a good night’s sleep.
Audiosurf: My hands don’t follow my orders. Any orders. I’d end up punching my screen to rather small bits of plastic, and that’s not in line with the grand scheme of things.
Company of Heroes: Opposing Fronts: You can’t light campfires and make shish kebab, because the bloody English don’t like it when you stand around and do nothing for a while. So they come and put the fire out. With Churchill tanks. Bullies.
Counter-Strike: Source: Hahahahhhahahaahahaaaah, *sniff,* hahahahhahah!
Left 4 Dead: I’d mistake an ordinary zombie for a potted flower and a Tank for Mohandas Gandhi. Neither are generally good ideas when you instead need to help your chums up from the floor. Because you shot them. Multiple times. Mahatma Gandhi as a Tank would be fucking horrifying though.
Mount and Blade: I am that character. That character is me. Assuming control of it in my condition would mean several stab wounds in my throat, which sounds painful.
Trials 2: Second Edition: Because getting my spine split in half with a loud *CRACK* is at this time of the day exactly what I yearn for.
Dawn of War: Soulstorm: Never played a single Dawn of War game. So in addition to my problems with my lack of any speed at all in Company of Heroes, I’d have to teach myself totally new concepts and game mechanics in a fictional, unintuitive world? I wouldn’t mind doing that but it might just be too simple. Remind me of this when you’ve recruited Dolph Lundgren for me to wrestle to the ground and kill with my bare fingers. While being shot at by Steven Seagal. On Jupiter.
Half-Life: I’m currently playing this though again because I want to notice each and every subtle gameplay element in it. I’ve also set the difficulty level to ‘High’ so it’s even difficult enough when I’m fully awake but have the audacity to blink every once in a while.
Hexen 2 New (and rather unappealing) single player campaign and I don’t fancy getting turned into a sheep every single round in multiplayer either.
Monster Truck Nitro demo: Constantly racing indestructible wheel-things downhill on two very similar tracks? Okay, I realise Trials 2 was too much of a challenge to many people, but RedLynx apparently targeted this thing towards people who are not dead tired, but dead. There’s literally no challenge in the game, and that’s a lot coming from someone who’s currently writing this bloody list.
Multiwinia: I’d be perplexed as soon as I saw the fairly unconventional menu screen.
Peggle Deluxe: Quite officially the most sleepy game ever created in the history of the great apes of Terra. I might still fire it up to play simple musical tunes with the menu buttons.
Quake 3: Yes, well, please refer to Counter-Strike: Source.
Race 07: I would need to write some kind of post-it to remember which way ‘left’ and ‘right’ are. Or remember how my maths teacher used to tell us how to remember where left and right was: “Put your arms in front of you and stick your thumbs out. Your left thumb will show you where the right side is and your right thumb will point at your left.”
STCC – The Game demo: Race 07, only… Race 07.
Sid Meier’s Railroads! demo: I’ve never touched this, and it promises countless hours of micromanagement. Is that the sound of brains migrating to Tibet I hear?
Silent Hunter: The high seas. Typically no shipping but my humble Type II. I take back what I said about Peggle. I mean seriously now.
Trackmania Nations Forever: Like Race 07, only four times as fast. And in effect three-dimensional. That’s two too many.
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of Wzzzzzzzzzzzzzz