Browsed by
Author: Mattias Tammet

The story of the Steam installed games list, no sleep and braaaaains

The story of the Steam installed games list, no sleep and braaaaains

Disclaimer: Steam is awesome, but the same can often not be said of my intelligence regarding healthy sleeping schedules
I’m currently obscenely tired. So tired, in fact, that my brain has given up on allowing me to engage in almost any activity, including reading, writing (so sorry about this) and even playing games. Looking at your currently installed games list and mentally crossing them off one by one until none are left is a strange feeling for such an avid gamer like me. You know you want to play something, anything, but everything has a fatal flaw or two that you can’t see when you’re wide awake. So here’s my current list and my first thoughts about them. I hope it reveals something perverse about me to myself after I get a good night’s sleep.

Audiosurf: My hands don’t follow my orders. Any orders. I’d end up punching my screen to rather small bits of plastic, and that’s not in line with the grand scheme of things.
Company of Heroes: Opposing Fronts: You can’t light campfires and make shish kebab, because the bloody English don’t like it when you stand around and do nothing for a while. So they come and put the fire out. With Churchill tanks. Bullies.
Counter-Strike: Source: Hahahahhhahahaahahaaaah, *sniff,* hahahahhahah!
Left 4 Dead: I’d mistake an ordinary zombie for a potted flower and a Tank for Mohandas Gandhi. Neither are generally good ideas when you instead need to help your chums up from the floor. Because you shot them. Multiple times. Mahatma Gandhi as a Tank would be fucking horrifying though.
Mount and Blade: I am that character. That character is me. Assuming control of it in my condition would mean several stab wounds in my throat, which sounds painful.
Trials 2: Second Edition: Because getting my spine split in half with a loud *CRACK* is at this time of the day exactly what I yearn for.
Dawn of War: Soulstorm: Never played a single Dawn of War game. So in addition to my problems with my lack of any speed at all in Company of Heroes, I’d have to teach myself totally new concepts and game mechanics in a fictional, unintuitive world? I wouldn’t mind doing that but it might just be too simple. Remind me of this when you’ve recruited Dolph Lundgren for me to wrestle to the ground and kill with my bare fingers. While being shot at by Steven Seagal. On Jupiter.
Half-Life: I’m currently playing this though again because I want to notice each and every subtle gameplay element in it. I’ve also set the difficulty level to ‘High’ so it’s even difficult enough when I’m fully awake but have the audacity to blink every once in a while.
Hexen 2 New (and rather unappealing) single player campaign and I don’t fancy getting turned into a sheep every single round in multiplayer either.
Monster Truck Nitro demo: Constantly racing indestructible wheel-things downhill on two very similar tracks? Okay, I realise Trials 2 was too much of a challenge to many people, but RedLynx apparently targeted this thing towards people who are not dead tired, but dead. There’s literally no challenge in the game, and that’s a lot coming from someone who’s currently writing this bloody list.
Multiwinia: I’d be perplexed as soon as I saw the fairly unconventional menu screen.
Peggle Deluxe: Quite officially the most sleepy game ever created in the history of the great apes of Terra. I might still fire it up to play simple musical tunes with the menu buttons.
Quake 3: Yes, well, please refer to Counter-Strike: Source.
Race 07: I would need to write some kind of post-it to remember which way ‘left’ and ‘right’ are. Or remember how my maths teacher used to tell us how to remember where left and right was: “Put your arms in front of you and stick your thumbs out. Your left thumb will show you where the right side is and your right thumb will point at your left.”
STCC – The Game demo: Race 07, only… Race 07.
Sid Meier’s Railroads! demo: I’ve never touched this, and it promises countless hours of micromanagement. Is that the sound of brains migrating to Tibet I hear?
Silent Hunter: The high seas. Typically no shipping but my humble Type II. I take back what I said about Peggle. I mean seriously now.
Trackmania Nations Forever: Like Race 07, only four times as fast. And in effect three-dimensional. That’s two too many.
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of Wzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Scout speaks: Valve Time countdown starts now

The Scout speaks: Valve Time countdown starts now

Listenin' to me?
/Initiating irritating voice/

Listen, man! There’s like, a whole bunch o’ new stuff promised for me, dude! I’m gettin’ a new promotion, okay? Do you have any idea how significant this is? Are you even listening? More stuff to hurt people with!

Stuff. Nails?
Just perhaps dude. Here’s the cool thing: Robin Walker, one of my employers at Valve (although they can’t control me for shit, I mean like, they don’t own me [Yes they do – Ed.]), said this yesterday:

We’re just about done with the Scout pack, and our design and coding has already moved on to the next pack. The weapons and achievements are all nailed down and we just have to finish up the final artwork on them.

That’s indeed very much what I’m talking about, brudda! Woo!

Suck eeeet!

Developers of the Microsoft Flight Simulator series shown the door

Developers of the Microsoft Flight Simulator series shown the door

Better keep those old CDs in good shape, my friends. Just in case.

ACES Game Studio, the team recently behind the long-running Microsoft Flight Simulator series, have in a stunning move been shut down as a part of the recently-announced 5000 layoffs by Microsoft. This also jeopardizes the future of the Microsoft Train Simulator series, as ACES were working on its second iteration. Microsoft themselves have predictably said that the Flight Sim franchise will not die, but they’re not being any more specific, Gamasutra reports. Nor have they, to my knowledge, said anything about Train Simulator 2. My thoughts about all this after the break.


Read More Read More

Because your day wasn’t miserable enough: Bastard Tetris

Because your day wasn’t miserable enough: Bastard Tetris

And it makes good on its promise. Hitler had nothing on this thing.

Please, you need to help me. There’s a monster on the run, and I think I’m finally losing it. Can’t take it much longer…
There’s this game, see. Tetris. It’s evil. No-no, the blocks themselves are harmless. They’re stupid and you can do whatever you want with them. But the blockmaster, on the other hand – positively evil. My days are over. I had to submit to his control.

I am, of course, not talking about Tetris®. Tetris®’ blockmaster is almost as stupid as the blocks themselves, the blocks are spit out in a random order.

However. I introduce to you Bastard Tetris.
A quote from the website describes its wrongdoings:

Bastet uses a special algorithm designed to choose the worst brick possible.

I say we invade Poloni’s (the creator of that abomination) home country and bring him to justice.


Oh, and make sure to download (or not!) the Windows version.

Darkfall delayed at the last minute

Darkfall delayed at the last minute

It still has dragons and windmills in it for all we know, so it can't be all bad.

The developers at Adventurine have decided, five days before it was scheduled to be released in Europe, to hold Darkfall Online back another month and instead release it on the 25th of February. In an attempt not to utterly fail at release day as so many MMORPGs do, the 22nd of January will instead be the release date of a free trial/beta. Not everyone will be allowed access on the first day, but apparently they will gradually increase the allowed number of people. This should hopefully allow for a relatively painless launch when the time comes. Due to the game’s relatively hardcore nature, its community is already close-knit and eagerly waiting to maul each other, so this can’t come as very pleasant news so few days before the promised release date.

I do hope they know how to take advantage of this: even juggernauts like Valve can fail to properly release a multiplayer game (remember the first week of L4D?), and MMORPGs have always been notoriously hard to open to the public.

Dinosaurs and boobs

Dinosaurs and boobs

Very sexy legs as well.
I play Far Cry 2 because I can shoot dudes in the face with the gun of my liking. That’s manly, I tell myself. Humanity has not yet produced a ring large enough for the new, ultra-fashionable centimeter-wide piercings from which the gooey essence of mercenary erupts. I then stomp them in the face, just in case I’m still not considered manly enough.

But there are also moments where my bloodlust fades and I get the urge to be a gentle person. And what could be better than being a big-busted woman who mows down dinosaurs instead of people?


Read More Read More

This man. Look into his eyes.

This man. Look into his eyes.

“This is my hiding spot, and I’m not moving until the situation has drastically improved.“ He looks up at me, his eyes having turned into a haze by his overly thick glasses. “Now go away and don’t tell anyone I’m here!“ He’s been here for a while and he’s obviously trembling from the chilly, moist air in the huge room.


Read More Read More