I play Far Cry 2 because I can shoot dudes in the face with the gun of my liking. That’s manly, I tell myself. Humanity has not yet produced a ring large enough for the new, ultra-fashionable centimeter-wide piercings from which the gooey essence of mercenary erupts. I then stomp them in the face, just in case I’m still not considered manly enough.

But there are also moments where my bloodlust fades and I get the urge to be a gentle person. And what could be better than being a big-busted woman who mows down dinosaurs instead of people?

The game I speak of is Trespasser, the official game of The Lost World, the sequel to Jurassic Park. There are four important things to note about this game. 1) The health bar is a tattoo on your left breast. 2) The health bar is a tattoo on your left breast! 3) It has dinosaurs in it. 4) Despite all this, you still shouldn’t play it. You see, Trespasser was a huge blunder. It just didn’t work. The released game was obviously in an unfinished state and despite its huge budget, it was doomed to be a forgotten mishap.

…

Wait for it.

…Until now.

Archive.org has been running a very commendable project called Let’s Play. They play old and notable games, add commentary and publish the full videos so future generations can share the experience. Despite the premise – watch very long videos of other people playing games – it is surprisingly good fun. It is most definitely easier than finding the game and playing it by yourself. And it is right here: http://www.archive.org/details/LPTrespasser

It’s a whole new way of experiencing games! Let’s all throw our games collection out and just watch how these guys do it. The game stays horrible, but it’s at least very interesting to watch from a technical standpoint. Remember, this was 1998, the year of Half-Life’s goldsrc engine, and yet here is this game with a Crysis-esque landscape, bump mapping, even a physics engine. And boobs. Continuing on the Crysis trail, you needed something similar to a Cray to play it, which was another one of its flaws that proved to be fatal in the end.

Despite all this, it’s no E.T. With some spit and polish (quite possibly using a sledgehammer), this could have been a classic in a good way, perhaps even overshadowing Half-Life itself.