I have an alcohol problem – I’ve ran out and the shops haven’t opened yet. Debased, gaming’s intoxicating varnish begins to crack and peel. Patrician 3 – the rum-soaked naval-trading game – is naught but an exercise in navel-gazing without the unsteady waves of surreal unpredictability lent to a ‘Big in Germany’ game by a few quarts of ale. Let’s talk about boozed-up arithmetic engine fun times.
Here are ten amazing facts about the elixir of tolerable life:
1: It makes you less attractive to the enemy team.
2: It provides a bonus to your charisma, making it easier to get jobs advertising freerunning in a dystopic city where the quickest route to the off-license is across a colour-coded scaffold-lined roof.
3: Performance in driving games is directly related to the venting of the bladder. Remember: professionals wear a wee bag.
4: Stumbling around online is better than gesturing at CCTV in the high-street because its easier for the government to watch you.
5: If you play EVE Online, time spent passed-out is an opportunity for self-improvement.
6: You can claim disability benefits for liver damage. If you keep it up, you might be able to permanently get off work!
7: Your friendly-fire accuracy will improve.
8: People with female avatars will send you PMs if you broadcast your judgement-impaired state.
9: Zoey will have a thing for you.
10: Vomit on the keyboard. Sleep, and allow to set. During the night, bile-bonding will take place. You can now control all of your favourite games with the press of a single whiffy key.
Chubby spike-lobbers claim they’re better at darts after a few pints. Could this phenomenon be observed outside of the clinical public-house environment? It would certainly seem to be the case within my private sanctum. Perhaps there’s a sweet liver-spot in the trade-off between hand-eye coordination and confidence where one’s ability to purely pwn is distilled. Evidence gathered since the release of Left 4 Dead would appear to corroborate the dartists’ theory – I’m significantly better at the game and consistently more annoying towards my fellow gamers (a bonus) after a few tipples or a single quaff. If you’ve contracted alcohol poisoning, you’ll face the risk of choking on tongue and stomach contents during your sleep – yet whilst you remain concious, smoking and booming is seen as a talent – it’s an odd and often scary world in which we live.
Tonight, let’s play together, united – if not by our servers then in the spirit of mutually assured premature death.